Tonight was a first I've been waiting for 111 days.
If a person is in survival mode- you hold on the tightest to the single thing you need to in fact- survive. If you're an infant and then a toddler in an orphanage, the thing you need to survive is food. You don't need toys or stimulation or hugs necessarily or songs sung to you at night or a fresh diaper even though the old one is loaded full of crap. Literally. You need that bottle of milk to survive. Every drop of it and because there may be doubt- you drink it within seconds. I'll never forget our first night with Elsie. It took her literally less than 10 seconds to drink an 8 oz. bottle. It was insane how fast she could drink a bottle. If you need that milk, the safest place for it is in your belly. So you get there as fast as possible.
Eventually, we came home and she started to slow down. And, then she finally relaxed a little and learned to enjoy a bottle of milk. Every night, I would sit down in the rocker with her, snuggle the blanket up and give her her bottle. She would immediately hold it herself and very firmly and quickly pull it from my hands so only she was supporting the bottle.
Most parents would be like 'yay, the kid already knows how to hold her own bottle, that's great'.
Wrong.
Tonight on night 111...she let me hold it. From start to finish. She just laid there and stared me in the eye for most of it hardly blinking. Once it was empty, she snuggled in. Then, sat up. Kissed me, giggled and snuggled right back into the crook of my arm. Its like she knew...
It actually started last night. I think last night, on day 110... she fell in love with me. All those days before- she liked me, she was glued to me many of those days and she would come to me no matter what. But, I don't think she really loved or trusted me.
Last night for the first time, she just wanted to lie in my arms and stare at me. She wanted me to sing to her. And, she would hum back to me. And, she would would lie there and suddenly just get squirmy giggle face expression which said 'oh, I finally believe this is really real'. Kisses and snuggles. Kisses and snuggles. She was just sappy and sweet and literally just could not get enough lovin' on. Last night was different even though I couldn't totally put my finger on the what last night.
Tonight, I think she headed into bed time believing this is real for the first time tonight. A person can do things a lot of times but not really believe its real and true and permanent and trust it. But, tonight on day 111- she finally trusted me with her key to survival. Maybe tonight, we left survivor mode behind and new mode of life has begun :) Tonight she trusted me and that is a BIG little thing.
If a person is in survival mode- you hold on the tightest to the single thing you need to in fact- survive. If you're an infant and then a toddler in an orphanage, the thing you need to survive is food. You don't need toys or stimulation or hugs necessarily or songs sung to you at night or a fresh diaper even though the old one is loaded full of crap. Literally. You need that bottle of milk to survive. Every drop of it and because there may be doubt- you drink it within seconds. I'll never forget our first night with Elsie. It took her literally less than 10 seconds to drink an 8 oz. bottle. It was insane how fast she could drink a bottle. If you need that milk, the safest place for it is in your belly. So you get there as fast as possible.
Eventually, we came home and she started to slow down. And, then she finally relaxed a little and learned to enjoy a bottle of milk. Every night, I would sit down in the rocker with her, snuggle the blanket up and give her her bottle. She would immediately hold it herself and very firmly and quickly pull it from my hands so only she was supporting the bottle.
Most parents would be like 'yay, the kid already knows how to hold her own bottle, that's great'.
Wrong.
Tonight on night 111...she let me hold it. From start to finish. She just laid there and stared me in the eye for most of it hardly blinking. Once it was empty, she snuggled in. Then, sat up. Kissed me, giggled and snuggled right back into the crook of my arm. Its like she knew...
It actually started last night. I think last night, on day 110... she fell in love with me. All those days before- she liked me, she was glued to me many of those days and she would come to me no matter what. But, I don't think she really loved or trusted me.
Last night for the first time, she just wanted to lie in my arms and stare at me. She wanted me to sing to her. And, she would hum back to me. And, she would would lie there and suddenly just get squirmy giggle face expression which said 'oh, I finally believe this is really real'. Kisses and snuggles. Kisses and snuggles. She was just sappy and sweet and literally just could not get enough lovin' on. Last night was different even though I couldn't totally put my finger on the what last night.
Tonight, I think she headed into bed time believing this is real for the first time tonight. A person can do things a lot of times but not really believe its real and true and permanent and trust it. But, tonight on day 111- she finally trusted me with her key to survival. Maybe tonight, we left survivor mode behind and new mode of life has begun :) Tonight she trusted me and that is a BIG little thing.
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